What You Can Learn From a Bullmastiff

I've lived almost five years with this amazing animal and she has become my all-time favorite dog. She's taught me a lot over the years so I asked her to write out some advice on living life to the fullest. Here's what she said:

1. Get a personal trainer

That's right, let someone else worry about how much you eat and how often you exercise. It's easier and they are more honest with you about your weight.

2. Take naps every day.

3. Two shorter workouts a day are better than one long one.

I prefer early morning and early evening. This works out best for my personal trainer and the temperature is most favorable at these times. Also, the squirrels are most lively at these hours and busy eating so they're not as likely to see you coming.

4. Know when to move on.

Lie in the sun until you get hot then move to the shade. When you're too cold move back into the sun. On the same note: Walk fast through the sun and slow in the shade. Why torture yourself? Get to the shade quicker and then enjoy it.

5. Don't judge men by their height or color.

Hey, some of my best boyfriends have been white.

6. Chew your food.

Swallowing things whole is never a good idea, unless someone's coming and may catch you counter surfing. Savor your food.

7. Children shorter than eye level are more work than the taller ones.

They often smell like poop, they have no respect for your eyes and nose, they drool more than I do, and they repeat commands even after you follow them.

8. Be cautious of people approaching the back of the house.

Really, what sort of human picks at garbage? And the other ones, the guys that get really tall on the poles, that's just not natural.

9. People approaching the front of the house should be greeted respectfully.

Even the ones putting white envelopes in the little house with the red flag on it. And yes, even the ones with the little pamphlets that always wear suits and dresses.

10. Drink a lot of water.

I hear it's good for your skin and has all kinds of healthy benefits. I like it because it makes a really fun noise when I lap it up. It's really refreshing.