We never ate here unless people came over. He ate in front of the tv. I HATED that, so I compromised by getting a pub table to put in the tv room. At least we ate at a table then. I did not enjoy having the tv on while we ate but...you know, marriage is about compromise.
I searched for a dining room set that was affordable and that we both agreed upon for a long time. I love my dining room set. It's mid-century clean lines are gorgeous even though it's not very sturdy.
Now we use it to sit at and meet about whatever we need to talk about; bills, divorce proceedings, the dog. Last week it was about taking in our new roommate. I looked at this man that I once loved and knew so well and it hurt a little not to feel the things I once felt for him. It hurt to hear nervousness in his voice, why was he nervous about talking to me? Me?
I realized then that I've been thinking so much about how I've been hurt by him, probably not considered enough how much I've hurt him. Because in his face and in his voice there was pain.
He is familiar, he knows me like no one knows me. I hate him for that but I also miss it. I wish I could no longer hurt him. I wish for us to be free of this bond that keeps us from being friends because I would like to be his friend. I just don't want to be his wife any longer.
Tree Pose
6 years ago
6 comments:
Love you!! Bizarre though - we just got a new kitchen table and chairs (counter/pub height) that I love; it was delivered yesterday, when you wrote that.
I wish I could make things better for you. In time, I believe/hope you will be friends.
Aren't you a little old to be so egocentric?
No wonder your marriage failed. I feel sorry for that guy.
Dear Anonymous, My first reaction to your comment would not be able to be posted. So here goes a different version. You do not know the writer of this blog, or you were high while reading her post! She still cares about him - that is not egocentric. Perhaps a blog written by an intelligent, thoughtful, loving, person is not one for you. There are many other blogs out there.
peace
dzv,
I was not under the influence whatsoever.
You obviously have a relationship with the author. I respectfully disagree with your opinion.
Reread her blog posts. Not knowing anything about her or her family besides what she, herself, wrote, it is pretty obvious who the universe centers on, hence my word choice.
Her words: I realized then that I've been thinking so much about how I've been hurt by him, probably not considered enough how much I've hurt him.
If she really cared about him (instead of just saying she cares to APPEAR to be decent human being), she would have considered his feelings throughout the divorce.
L - only those who truly know you and most of the situation, know better.
sorry if I provoked anything
sincerely, peanut :)
Anonymous,
I'm not too old for anything, not even having an ego. Dude (and I'm not too old to say that either)...I blog. What other kind of person is willing to put such private thoughts and feelings out there for any Joe, not even willing to share his initials- he's so afraid to identify himself, to read?
I think you have to be somewhat self-centered to get through divorce. You are ending a relationship that succeeded on constantly putting someone else first. When you stop doing that you also stop getting it in return. Thus the need to think about number one more.
If you'd been through a divorce you'd understand. I hope that you never will.
Thanks for your thoughts and reading my post.
And darling defender, I love you too. I know that staying friends with you, h, and j, for more than thirty years means I can't be too egocentric. No need to get all goofy about it.
:)
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